Cry Baby

When you think about this world, there are so many events, circumstances, people, opportunities, that make us cry.  The worst are the sad tears.  The painful tears, the ones that you cannot control, they just come out and there is no stopping how long they last for.  The ones that leave a stain on your heart.  The ones that are hoping someone notices.  The ones that want so badly to go away and never come back that way again.  

When I was younger I was known as the cry baby of my family.  Pretty much everything made me cry.  Then the fact that someone would say, “Oh, watch out Diane is going to start crying now.” did not help my tears go away any faster.  Those tears were me being sensitive and emotional.  There is nothing wrong with crying.  Everyone needs a good cry every once and awhile.  It is like a shower for your soul!

Eventually I grew out of my childhood tears.  I grew into “big girl” tears.  I never knew one single tear could feel so painful.  I never knew that same tear would have so much hurt, sorrow, betrayal, and disappointment behind it.  I found myself trapped into situations that just kept bringing those painful tears.  One after the other.  They never stopped.  I got used to the pain each tear represented.  I felt numb to the scars those tears left on my heart. 

Tears became every part of my day.  I would wake up crying, drive to work crying, cry at work, drive home crying, fall asleep crying.  I remember being in the car, crying, wishing that someone would see me and feel bad for me and say a prayer for me.  I was unable to pray to God to ask Him to take the tears away, but maybe someone else would do it for me.  That was my hope.  I was trapped in a life full of tears.  A life where I was being abused, used, manipulated, and controlled by a very scary man I loved and believed loved me.  I was trapped in a life feeling depressed, worthless, ugly, useless, fearful (all the time), and like a complete failure. 

I knew there was a God, but I believed there was NO WAY God loves me.  I messed up my life.  It is all over.  There is no fixing the mess I have made of this life.  In the midst of more tears every time I thought of that realization, God showed me His love for me.  One night of way too many tears, I decided to call out to God, I asked Him to take my tears away, to help me, save me, lead me to someone who can help me get out of this trap I am in, I told Him I was not strong enough to not go back to the things that brought me all of these tears, I asked Him to do it all for me, I asked Him to give me the strength to never go back again.  He did it.  He did it all.  He took my sad tears away, he helped me, he saved me, he led me to a counselor who is a complete angel in my life, (not only did she help me get out of the trap, she also was an example of what God’s love is, and was my comfort and support, God used her to help me in a BIG WAY), he gave me His strength to not go back to this abusive evil man.  Crying yet?  I cry sometimes when I think back to that day…but all happy tears!  That part of my life deserves no more sad, painful tears.  They are all joyful, happy tears now.

I remember back to my first counseling session, my angel said to me something along the lines of God knows every tear that you have cried, he was there, he knows how much pain and hurt you have had to deal with.  She prayed.  She said in the prayer again something about God knowing each tear I had ever cried.  (Ok, this part brings on my joyful tears) I do not think she knew how much of an effect those statements had on my life.  I thought to myself, “You mean all of those times I thought I was alone, God was there?  All of those tears I cried, God wiped away, and remembers each one.  He knows what those tears felt like in my heart?  He knows my pain?”  Those realizations made me sob.  It was a mix of sadness and happiness all in one.  Shock, disbelief that God loves me so much that he actually knows my tears and is there when they are falling.  He loves this cry baby. 

The day I realized that God knows all of my tears and keeps record of them all is the same day, he did something to my tears.  He changed them all to joyful happy tears.  Tears of thanksgiving to my God who saved my life and brought me to a place of complete freedom, joy, peace, and love, (and eventually eternal life in HEAVEN).  He continues to change them.  Yes, I still cry, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.  BUT seriously every time I cry and it is because of pain or hurt or I am really upset about something; I pray.  Then something really cool happens.  God makes himself known to me in the midst of those tears.  He brings me His comfort, and love, and all of a sudden those tears are transformed into happy, thankful, loving tears.  Tears because I cannot believe that someone loves me so much, that He never wants to see me cry, but He knows I will so He is prepared to do something about all of the pain behind all of those tears.  He brings me those happy, joyful tears to wash away the stain the painful ones had left on my heart. 

Thank you Jesus.

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