I will never forget the day that someone I loved so much, said this to me: “You are mine, but I am not yours, do not get it twisted”. Those words cut right through my heart. I didnt understand, how could someone who I loved so much and who I cared for so much say such a hurtful sentence to me. How does this happen: you feel one way about someone and that someone feels an intirely different way about you?
After those crushing words were circling my mind for hours, I decided I needed to do something about this. I needed to find a way to make sure that he was mine. DISCLAIMER: I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED AT THIS POINT IN TIME THAT THIS MAN WAS A COMPLETELY DISGUSTINGLY AWFUL PERSON AND I HAD NO RIGHT TO BE WITH HIM AND TRY TO RATIONALIZE THAT SENTENCE, BUT HE WAS MY HOPE THAT SOMEONE WOULD REALLY LOVE ME AND TRULY CARE ABOUT ME. I HAD TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO MAKE SURE THAT HE WAS MINE. I was so confused by the words, I remember telling myself, well at lease I am his, that is a good thing, right? WRONG! Very WRONG! That was a very tormenting thing. That was a deadly thing. That was the worst kind of control you would ever want over you. That is something that is absolutely impossible to get out of on your own. That man nearly ended my life. Little did I know that there was a God who I belonged to that would show up in such a huge way, saving my life and showing his love for me in so many ways.
If you would have told me 5 years ago that God loved me I would have not believed you. I would have thought that there is no such thing as love from God. He does not love me, and I may say I love Him, but I have no idea what that means. The only thing I ever understood about LOVE is that it was something that was too good for me, too far away from me, out of my reach, something I hoped for and was never special or cared for enough to receive it. Everyone in life who is naturally supposed to love me, I simply thought did not love me. No one is capable of loving perfectly except God the Father. I did not understand that. I thought my love to others was perfect, and expected the same in return. Naturally when hurtful words were said or when actions spoke louder than I love you Diane I became incredibly heart broken. My desire to be loved and to love others was the poison in my life that slowly tried to take my lovely life with Christ and turn it into a despairing life with Satan consuming every moment of it.
This desire for love led me to an awful relationship, one where I belonged to Him, but he was not mine. I was not ok with this, but what do I do. I had no idea what to do in this relationship other than be his.
I am beyond thankful that the God that I accepted into my life when I was 5 years old never left me. My God had me the whole time, I was and am HIS, the time in my life when I tried to make someone else mine, was the worst time in my life. Looking back there was no need to try to make this earthly awful man mine, I already had God the whole time.
LOVE, this word has transformed my life. I now understand that the only perfect love in the universe is the one I have received from my heavenly Father, his son who died for me. That is love. Love is real. Perfect love is something that has been so graciously given to me through Jesus Christ. God spoils me with His love, he gives me sign after sign that His love is real and it is all I need. When the signs are not there, I still know that God’s love is beautiful and never out of my reach. I love God so much! Just thinking about what He has done for me: forgiven me, protected me, healed my broken heart, loved me even when I did not deserve it, never deserted me, never gave up on me, waited patiently for me, gave me memories of just how much he loves me so that I may never forget. Simply, God saved my life, I deserved nothing, and He gave me everything through His love🙂 how utterly amazing.
Everyone in life who is supposed to love me, they do! Even the times where you can tell it is not perfect it is ok. I do not expect myself or others to love perfectly all the time or any of the time really. When you come to know God’s love that is truly the only love that matters. God has blessed me with amazing family and friends who are a perfect example of living with God’s love in your life. I know they love me, even when we go through a rough time, because I know the power of forgiveness, mercy, and grace.
God so sweetly laid this on my heart: Diane, I have the most beautiful plan for your life, single, married, it does not matter because I AM YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE FOREVER AND EVER.
Words that were once used to break my heart are now used to mend my heart! Only Jesus’ love is capable of such a beautiful transformation!
Thank you Jesus, I trust in you, I love you, I understand your love and will never look for a replacement ever again!