How tight are you holding onto your past? Maybe it is your whole past you are holding onto with a firm grip watching closely to never let it slip. Maybe you are just holding onto bits and pieces of your past. The bits and pieces that are TOO painful, TOO hurtful, TOO shameful, TOO awful to think about. You try to hide those pieces, but they always come through sooner or later. You do really well concealing every piece of your past with your supersize glue gun in the form of alcohol, sex, drugs, becoming a workaholic, you think the fix is in any of THAT. No drink will let you taste your past no more, no man or woman will fix your past, no drug will dull the pain of your past, no job will distract you enough from your past. There is only one thing you can let into your life to not only fix you but restore you into the person you were meant to be, and that would be God HIMSELF.
One day I was struggling. I was in therapy at this time in my life. The Lord was healing all of my hurts and pains from my tormenting past. I decided to finally let God into my life to work and to restore. I was doing so well. Wouldn’t you know all of a sudden something happened. I started to realize that God truly wanted everything. He did not want just what I was willing to give Him. He was not going to give up until I gave in and grabbed onto His strength and courage to get everything out that I had been holding onto for such a long time. I kept hearing God tell me, It is time Diane, it is time. Well, this day, October 11, 2011 it was finally time.
I was working through a study by Kyle Idleman, Not a Fan. Yes it changed my life, yes it was the absolute best! This week it was talking about picturing yourself following Jesus into every room you walk into. That really got my attention, too often I forget God is literally always with me. On this day in October, my day of complete freedom, I followed Jesus into therapy, holding His hand. I knew what I had to do, I asked the Lord to prepare my heart. I asked Him to bring to light everything that I was still struggling with. I asked Him to help me get it all out, all of the shame, pain, fear, tears, and heartache, take it all away!
What better way to get it all out than to write it all down? Sounds perfect to me! That is just what I did. I wrote down every fear, pain, shame, and worry that God brought to my attention. Anything that was a struggle was put into words and written on my pretty pink paper in my journal. Walking into therapy I had Jesus’ hand in my right hand, and my journal in my left hand.
My therapist is an angel. She drew God’s hands on a piece of paper. She leaned the paper against the wall. We knelt at His hands. I read aloud every word on every page of my journal. I let every tear fall on those pages, and I ripped each page out and placed it in front of God’s hands. The last page was placed, my eyes were closed, as I was praying aloud to God. I wanted to see God so I opened my eyes. The instant I opened my eyes, God’s hands fell over all of my pages of shame, pain, hurt, and struggles. My heart INSTANTLY smiled.
That was the most precious sign God has ever given me of His love for me. That was just what I needed to know, God has taken my past shame and hurt, and He has it all. I gave it all to the best hands imaginable. Something that was such a heavy burden in my life, is such a light load for Jesus. This is what His grace is all about.
I no longer have to hide my past or try to fix it myself. I have given it all to the Lord.
I think the best part of this day is what was left in my journal afterwards…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I got a fresh, clean, new start at life in Christ. The old is gone. He is making me new, every day. Every moment is a second chance we receive from God to feel His love for us.
What do you feel today? Do you feel God’s love or do you feel the shame, pain, hurt, and brokenness from the pieces of your past? Don’t you know there is no such thing as too much hurt with God, just like there is no such thing as too much love with God. You take what you think is too bad, too much, too painful, and you give it to God. You will be overwhelmed with the fact that in return you will receive love, so much love that you would think it is too much, but there is no such thing as too much love from God. His love is never-ending, His love is unconditional, his love is always there; past, present, and future. God will show you His love in unmeasurable ways!
Thank you Jesus for the miraculous transformation you have brought to my life. It is my prayer that everyone who reads this is filled with your love today and every day, let them feel it!