He loves me, He loves me not…He loves me?

I like when people like me.  I detest when people do not like me.  In order to make sure everyone liked me I would conform to what I thought people wanted me to be.  It worked for a while I guess.  Everyone that I cared about, liked me.  There was only one problem with this, I did not like me.  Not only did I not like me, but I also did not love me.

When I was in highschool all of my best friends forever became my best friends for NEVER.  They literally all stopped talking to me at the same time, still to this day I have no idea why.  All I know is they told someone who then told me, that I changed in front of different people.  I never understood that.  All I understood was the pain I felt for being not liked.  I was completely devastated that I not only lost my best friends but that I also was now not liked by so many.  As hard as this time was, I know I had my real best friend, Jesus to help me get through it all.

Looking back I am very thankful for those friends that completely stopped talking to me.  Because now, I understand in a way what they are talking about.

When I was unsure of God’s love for me, I was also unsure of who I was.  I never found myself, until I found God’s love for me.  Because I was not sure of who I was and because I just wanted everyone to love me I became what everyone else wanted me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be.  I was not being the Diane I was created to be.  I was being the Diane I thought I had to be.

When people find out I am single, they almost always follow my response with, but why are you single?  Up until just recently, I never knew the answer to that question.  In the past year, God has opened my eyes to the answer.  I do not think I have ever been myself around men.  I am too scared, fearful, nervous, and worried with trying to figure out what they want me to be, that I lose sight of who I actually am.  How can a man want to be with someone who is not embracing their identity?  How can a man desire to be with someone who does not know who they are being day in and day out?  My concerns were always, will they love me one day and what do I have to do to make sure they will.  Not anymore!!

I want to live my life for GOD alone.  I want to be doing and acting and saying and loving EXACTLY the way HE wants me to be.  I want to be in HIS will for my life, no one elses.  I do not know how to go back and fix all of the times I was being someone else.  All I know is how to grab onto the LORD for strength.  I know how to trust GOD, to know that HE IS ALL KNOWING, he comforts me tremendously.

I am not certain of anything except for God’s love for me.  He loved me when I was trying to be what others wanted, and he loves me NOW as I embrace being who HE created me to be!  I know God is smiling down at me, and I am smiling back up at Him:)  I know that when I finally fit into being exactly what I was made to be, I will not be fearful of what others think.  I will no longer try to conform to what they want me to be.  Here I am wondering why no man has ever lasted in my life for more than 2 weeks, and now I am so thankful that they havent.  I want my man to find me in God’s will, no one elses.

 

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Some of my favorite things:)

When I see a teenager on fire for God it moves me almost to tears.  I do not know if it is because I was not that way when I was a teenager, or if it is because I am amazed by their willingness to allow God to work through them.  Probably both, actually.

I see a young lady in her teens that is so confident of who she is in Christ.  She stands out in school and is not ashamed of it.  I see her tell others about her relationship with God.  She even says, please pray for ways that I can bring Jesus through the hallways of my school.  WOW.  That stopped me dead in my tracks.  That made me tear up.  That made me wish I wanted those things when I was a teenager in school.  That made me think, do I wish those things now as an adult?

The truth is I was just the opposite as a teen.  I did not like the fact that I stood out from the rest of my “friends” because I went to church, or grew up in a pretty strict home.  I tried to fit into being a cool, carefree girl, not having any real opinion or beliefs on God-all I knew about Him at the time was that He was in my heart but I did not know what that meant.  I did not stand up for God or try to shine His light, instead I blew it out every morning before school.  I didn’t want anyone to think I was weird or different.  I did not fully understand what a relationship with God was.  I was not about to try to figure it out when I could just be a fun girl with lots of friends.

Then came the day my friends ditched me and I learned what a relationship with God was all about.  During this time, I found out that God is my best friend.  He loves me, He never leaves my side.  Knowing God was my friend comforted me so much.  It was then that I felt so sick about being so ashamed of wanting to KNOW GOD MORE.  I was so disappointed in myself for not sticking up for God, or being confident in HIM.

Fast-forward several years and I am now so on fire for God!  I am embracing my love story with HIM!  Over the past 3 years, the Lord has just given me such a passion and desire to help EVERY SINGLE TEENAGE GIRL FIGURE OUT GOD’S LOVE ALL FOR THEMSELVES.  All of the things I wish I would have known/ done/ felt as a teen, I want to share with teens now.  I want to encourage, support, love, and be there for teens, because I know how tough it is.

I want to keep being inspired by all of the teens that I see who stand up for God and embrace their relationship with God.  I am a huge fan of them.

I am BEYOND BLESSED to be apart of a ministry in which I can be just that, and I can see all of those teens living their life for CHRIST ALONE!  GCH: decaf is the ministry.  and the girls who make it up, along with God, is one of my favorite things:) I cannot begin to describe to you JUST HOW excited I am to start this journey with God and all of the decafers.

If you would like information on this ministry, PLEASE LET ME KNOW:) The study we will be doing “A Daughter’s Worth” will be starting October 1st, see you there:)

Here is the website for more information as well:): www.girlfriendscoffeehour.com I share my heart with these girls on the blog every Monday!

Watching Him Work

One of my favorite things is watching God’s hand all over a situation.  I have seen it in my life, in siblings lives, in friends lives.  There is just something so encouraging and so exciting about seeing God work in my life and the lives of loved ones!  Lately, even though at times I have not seen a thing, God has been working in a huge way in my life.  God has completely gifted me with a passion for writing.  I am so thankful for this.  This is how God speaks to me.  I write, and it is always HIS pen guiding my hand.  I just recently started getting involved with a ministry Girlfriends Coffee Hour: decaf.  A ministry aimed towards teenage girls; helping them grow in their relationship with Christ.  This ministry is about encouraging one another, coming alongside one another.  This ministry is exactly what I have been waiting for!!!!  Just so happens, I will be WRITING, or should I say GOD will be writing for the ministry.  I am so thankful and praising God for the way HE works:).  Cant wait to see what He has planned for all of us!  Check out the ministry: http://girlfriendscoffeehour.com/  check out my thoughts on the ministry:)  http://wp.me/p2pIQE-ny

 

 

Where is your halo?

I have had people ask me this question several times. I always feel super awkward when asked this question because for once in my life I am simply speechless. That rarely happens to me. Usually I am wishing at times I truly am speechless, I use my voice probably way too frequently. So when people catch me speechless, it is very shocking for me, and a feeling I am not too fond of. My father would even dare to say it is impossible to catch Diane speechless…he has clearly never been around when someone has asked me where my halo was.

I think the main reason why this question bothers me so much is the way in which I rationalize it in my head. So, this person asks me what I do in my free time, what I enjoy to do and when I tell them, they so clearly judge me by taking my actions and activities so incompletely serious, by sarcastically making fun of what I do. Or maybe the true reason for detesting this question, is because I do not see myself as an angel by any means. If they only knew who I used to be, what I used to do. They would certainly not think I had a halo then.

But then I think of what God thinks of me, which is truly the only opinion that matters. Does God think I am wearing a halo? I happen to think he does. I happen to know for a FACT that I am crowned with salvation, yes that salvation is in my heart, but God tells me I am crowned with it, making me instantly think of a halo of some sorts. Also, God tells me that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT DEFINED BY MY PAST, WHAT I MAY HAVE DONE, OR WHO I MAY HAVE BEEN. I know for a fact that God has made me new, I am a new creature, and one that just so happens to be wearing a halo:).

Just recently I read on a Christian’s blog, that she was a saint. Seeing that, it made think of the question, where is your halo, because both times I have been asked this, I have also been told you are such a saint. Making it seem like a negative thing of some sorts. Once again, I thought to myself, saint, no way not me!

Saints: those declared righteous by God.

I am declared righteous by God, I am His, the same day I chose to live my life for Christ and chose to accept His love into my life, that is the same day God declared me righteous. And it just so happened to be the same day I got a halo and became a saint.

It is a very true statement that I am extremely sensitive, extremely people pleasing, extremely hurt by things people say and assume of me. HOWEVER, it is an even more true statement, that I do in fact wear a halo of the Lord’s salvation over my head, that I am indeed a saint because of what God has so graciously done for me.

Because my God is gracious, I too am gracious to all of those who see my good deed doing, praying all the time, Bible reading obsession, and Christ-like desire as a “joke”. The reason why I do what I do, is because I am beyond thankful for what God has done for me, there is no way to repay Him, but I constantly am asking Him what HE wants me to do, and I respond by doing them, it is my way of showing my love to God, the love I tell Him I have for Him every day. Haven’t you ever heard that actions speak louder than words?

I have decided: the next time someone asks me where my halo is, I am going to confidently respond by saying, “On my head, in my heart and in my right hand, do you want it?” My halo is for sharing. It is not something I wear so people can say ohhh look at that girl Diane, wearing that halo of hers. I want people to know that the halo on my head is not mine, it was given to me by God. I want them to see God. I want them to see an imperfect me loved by a perfect God. I do not want to pretend I do not have a halo, I want others to see it and ask about it that way they too can accept God’s love, receive their crown, and become a saint to the most amazing halo wearing, life saving, holy and perfect power in all the universe, JESUS CHRIST!