He loves me, He loves me not…He loves me?

I like when people like me.  I detest when people do not like me.  In order to make sure everyone liked me I would conform to what I thought people wanted me to be.  It worked for a while I guess.  Everyone that I cared about, liked me.  There was only one problem with this, I did not like me.  Not only did I not like me, but I also did not love me.

When I was in highschool all of my best friends forever became my best friends for NEVER.  They literally all stopped talking to me at the same time, still to this day I have no idea why.  All I know is they told someone who then told me, that I changed in front of different people.  I never understood that.  All I understood was the pain I felt for being not liked.  I was completely devastated that I not only lost my best friends but that I also was now not liked by so many.  As hard as this time was, I know I had my real best friend, Jesus to help me get through it all.

Looking back I am very thankful for those friends that completely stopped talking to me.  Because now, I understand in a way what they are talking about.

When I was unsure of God’s love for me, I was also unsure of who I was.  I never found myself, until I found God’s love for me.  Because I was not sure of who I was and because I just wanted everyone to love me I became what everyone else wanted me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be.  I was not being the Diane I was created to be.  I was being the Diane I thought I had to be.

When people find out I am single, they almost always follow my response with, but why are you single?  Up until just recently, I never knew the answer to that question.  In the past year, God has opened my eyes to the answer.  I do not think I have ever been myself around men.  I am too scared, fearful, nervous, and worried with trying to figure out what they want me to be, that I lose sight of who I actually am.  How can a man want to be with someone who is not embracing their identity?  How can a man desire to be with someone who does not know who they are being day in and day out?  My concerns were always, will they love me one day and what do I have to do to make sure they will.  Not anymore!!

I want to live my life for GOD alone.  I want to be doing and acting and saying and loving EXACTLY the way HE wants me to be.  I want to be in HIS will for my life, no one elses.  I do not know how to go back and fix all of the times I was being someone else.  All I know is how to grab onto the LORD for strength.  I know how to trust GOD, to know that HE IS ALL KNOWING, he comforts me tremendously.

I am not certain of anything except for God’s love for me.  He loved me when I was trying to be what others wanted, and he loves me NOW as I embrace being who HE created me to be!  I know God is smiling down at me, and I am smiling back up at Him:)  I know that when I finally fit into being exactly what I was made to be, I will not be fearful of what others think.  I will no longer try to conform to what they want me to be.  Here I am wondering why no man has ever lasted in my life for more than 2 weeks, and now I am so thankful that they havent.  I want my man to find me in God’s will, no one elses.

 

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