I went to a concert tonight. It was unlike any concert I have ever been to. I did not understand the words, but they were singing praises to God. I was able to understand the meaning behind each note without understanding what was being said. These men sing songs about God in places where God is not welcome. They bring Jesus’ love into different places through the songs they sing, and I think that is one of the coolest things! One gentleman sang a song and this time it was in English so I did understand what was said. These words stood out among the rest…
I cannot quote the entire line the way he sang it because I do not remember it word for word, but what I do remember is the way God’s hand pressed on my heart the instant I heard those words. Something along the lines of, if there would have been a clear path, not knowing what to do, but having a clear path to know what to do.
That seems to be the way I remember it. As he sang those words, it took me back to about four years ago.
You can’t leave him. Who will want you? You are ruined without him. There will never be anyone else to love you. You can be happy with him. He will change. Everything will be ok. These are the sentences I would repeat to myself over and over again until I convinced myself of the false truth behind each one.
Every once and awhile a moment would come, one in which I thought of the impossible. You can leave him. You can be free from his control. You can move on from this and never look back. You can stop going back to the abuse. You can change. You will be ok. Fear of the unknown left me paralyzed to turn my impossible into God’s possible. If I only knew how to do the impossible, I would be set.
There comes a time in one’s life when you have a moment of too much. Mine was a moment of too much heart, spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical pain. In that moment I could have either moved ahead or stayed stuck in my messy past. I did not choose a way, God chose for me. He took that pain filled moment and He did something immeasurably more than I could have ever thought, prayed, or imagined. In this very moment I learned that I don’t need to know how to do the impossible. All I need to know is God.
This was a scary thought for me. Here I was a lost girl, one who had turned her back on God because He did not save her from that man. I was positive that God did not love me anymore. I believed there was nothing I could do to get Him back in my life.
I didn’t know how to start making God apart of my life again.
I didn’t know how to leave an abusive relationship.
I didn’t know how I was going to move on from the pain that relationship caused.
I didn’t know how I was going to get through one day without having a break down.
I didn’t know how I was going to live at home and feel safe.
I didn’t know how I was going to be free from the things that tried so hard to destroy me.
I didn’t know where to start.
For as many things as I did not know, I knew one thing for certain, that I needed God. This is when I started to get to know Him. I called out to God and He heard me, He rescued me. All of the things that I did not know how to do, He did for me.
We will all have those moments in life where we find ourselves muttering those words, “I don’t know what to do”. It is my prayer that every time you wonder what you are going to do, you turn to God in that moment and let Him do it for you.
He does the impossible and He knows exactly what to do.
Today, I know that God loves me. I think the best part is that what I thought God saw me as four years ago was a lie. He saw me as the beautiful princess He created me to be and He always will see me that way. It is up to me now to make sure that is always what I am: His.